Old Guard and New Guard

Author(s) Unknown



FOREWORD BY JACK - It is no fun to be laid up with the job jar overflowing and be unable to tackle any of the multitude of chores duly laid out by the "The Supreme Ruler or The Head Spouse of The Household." In order to hide I have spent a little more time on my computer during the day then I am used to. After tedious boredom looking at a blank screen with no ideas I decided to see what I could purloin from Fred's Place and make an article or story about it. I checked the mail first and ran into one of those things that circulate in perpetuity. Chief Clay Locke made me aware of this article originally entitled, "Then and Now." I opened it up and got quite a few titters going through it. I decided to "Coast Guardize" it and see how it read.

This is obviously a spoof so please, you politically correct readers, take it for what it is ................... a spoof.

If the real author will speak up I will credit him with this article.


Old Guard - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
New Guard - If you smoke, you get sent to the weather deck and treated like a leper.

Old Guard - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.
New Guard - Every time you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work..

Old Guard - If you left the ship on liberty or leave it was in Dress Blues or Undress Whites, even in your home port.
New Guard - The only time you wear Blues ashore is for ceremonies.

Old Guard - You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.
New Guard - Bell bottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls wear them everywhere.

Old Guard - You wore a dixie cup [hat] all day, with every uniform.
New Guard - It's gone and you have a choice in different hats and caps.

Old Guard -The Ships Office had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports.
New Guard - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done.

Old Guard - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
New Guard - We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Old Guard - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
New Guard - She is on your same ship, praying your condom worked.

Old Guard - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.
New Guard - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career. 

Old Guard - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
New Guard - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.

Old Guard - Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect.
New Guard - Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

Old Guard - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
New Guard - They collect our pee and analyze it.

Old Guard - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up.
New Guard - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

Old Guard - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
New Guard - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

Old Guard - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier, sailor,or marine.
New Guard - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

Old Guard - You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
New Guard - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Old Guard - If you wanted to relax, you went to the club , played pool, smoked & drank beer.
New Guard -You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.

Old Guard - If you wanted a quart of beer and conversation, you could go to the NCO or Officers' Club.
New Guard - The beer will cost you two dollars and someone is watching to see how much you  drink.

Old Guard - The Exchange had bargains for Coasties who didn't make much money.
New Guard - You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart. 

Old Guard - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.
New Guard - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point presentation.

Old Guard - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds"
because we didn't like them.
New Guard - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors"
so we won't offend them.

Old Guard - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all their things were broken.
New Guard - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again.

Old Guard - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
New Guard - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.


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