PRIORITY MESSAGE

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA – SPECIAL REPORT (CGPI)

Reported by Jeff Lindstrom

 

An identified flying object is being tracked on radar screens throughout the world. The sleigh has been undergoing test runs for a week, and it will lift off from the North Pole at 1135Z, 24 DEC 1998, in plenty of time to make it to the first locations at which the hour reaches 0000:00:01 on that date.

This reporter has confirmed reports indicate that Santa has requested and received authorization from Coast Guard Headquarters to use various CG personnel to assist him in completing the tremendous responsibilities of his assigned duties. He had heard that they felt that they had to go out, no matter the weather. Mr. Claus stated, "That’s all I had to know!" Santa has ensured their safe return. Mrs. Claus said, "I’m so confident that everyone will return safely!"

The agreement states that Santa and the CG Yeoman will use the notebook computer given to him by the CG to track his many deliveries throughout the long night. The CG Quartermaster will guide the sleigh through the dark night and over unfamiliar terrain, and a CG Boatswains Mate will maintain the many lines and harnesses required to keep the sleigh on its appointed rounds. The CG Storekeeper has ensured that all items are aboard the sleigh. The retired CG Boiler Tender will keep the reindeer properly stoked, and a CG Electricians Mate will keep a constant safety watch to maintain the integrity of Rudolph’s nose beacon. The CG Engineman will ensure that the exhaust from the reindeer does not adversely affect the mission.

The CG Aviation Machinists Mate has the responsibility of ensuring that the sleigh is properly chocked at each stop, and the CG Seaman will be responsible for handling the lines during each docking of Santa’s vessel. The CG Radarman will monitor the safe progress of the trip, and the CG Radioman will maintain contact with ground stations as required. The CG Avionics Technician will, of course, take care of any in-flight electronic glitches that may occur.

The CG Damage Control expert will fix the sleigh when it occasionally scrapes a chimney or TV antenna, which occurs during each trip Santa makes. The CG Rescue Swimmer will retrieve any articles that happen to fall into raging winter seas or storm-wracked mountains.

The Coast Guard has assigned Captain Magic Elfer to oversee all activities.

This is the first year the CG has been so extensively involved in Santa’s yearly trip; because of that fact, governments throughout the world share the conviction that the mission will be more successful this year than any year in the past.

Santa has guaranteed that all of the CG participants will have no memory of their assistance during his trip when they awaken on Christmas Day.

This reporter is signing off – Happy Holidays to everyone. But - - - - be sure to watch for Santa’s sleigh "Coasting" through the skies on Christmas Eve!

 

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