[Excerpted from the U.S. Coast Guard Magazine, May 1944 edition.]

 

 

White Caps and Sea Breezes

 

Puns an’ Cawffee      Riddles an’ Syrup      Speeches an’ Scream

 

Author(s) Unknown

 

 

The despondent old gentleman emerged from his office and climbed stiffly into his luxurious limousine.

“Where to, Sir?” asked the chauffeur respectfully.

“Drive off a cliff, James,” replied the old gentleman. “I’m committing suicide.”

 

 

A lot of auto wrecks result from the driver hugging the wrong curve.

 

 

He: “But, darling, why aren’t you wearing my fraternity pin?”

She: “All the fellas said that it scratched their hands.”

 

 

A sailor and his girl were riding out in the country on horseback. As they stopped for a rest the two horses rubbed necks affectionately.

“Ah, me,” said the sailor, “that’s what I’d like to do.”

“Well, go ahead,” answered the girl, “it’s your horse.”

 

 

Mary had a little wolf,

She fleeced his white as snow.

 

 

Old main friend of our would like to get in touch with one of these V Males she’s been hearing about lately.

 

 

“I never knew Walter had twins.”

“Yeh, he married a telephone girl and she gave him the wrong number.”

 

 

A shoulder strap is a piece of ribbon placed so as the keep an attraction from becoming a sensation.

 

 

Have you heard that the Pistol-Packin’ Mamma is expecting a B B?

 

 

She: “What wonderfully developed arms you have.”

Bill Nolan: “Yes, I’m a football player. By the way, were you ever on a track team?”

 

 

Too bad about old Cap Winters, the retired sea captain. His wife just ran away with another man. Cap Winters took her for a mate, and she turned out to be a skipper.

 

 

He: “Why is it you have so man boy friends?”

She: “I give up.”

 

 

Her dress was tight,

She scarce could breathe.

She sneezed aloud,

And there stood Eve!

 

 

Doctor: “It’s most essential that you should refrain from doing any head work during the next few weeks.”

Patient: “Yes, doctor, but it’s my living.”

Doctor: “Oh, are you a scholar?”

Patient: “No, I’m a barber.”

 

 

Sailor on Leave: “I’m homesick.”

Shipmate: “Isn’t that your home?”

Sailor on Leave: “Yes, but I’m sick of it.”

 

 

“Dammit, leftovers again,” growled the cannibal chief as he nibbled on the two old maids.

 

 

He: “There’s a reason for my liking you.”

She: “My goodness!”

He: “Don’t be silly.”

 

 

Two little boys were loitering on a corner when one said to the other:

“How old are you?”

“I’m five,” was the reply. “How old are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know how old you are?”

“Nope!”

“Do women bother you?”

“Nope!”

“You’re four.”

 

 

First Civie: “My brother went two years to West Point. He’s a half soldier.”

Second Civie: “That’s nothing. My brother’s a wholesailer.”

 

 

Sailor: “Why won’t you marry me?”

Girl: “I wouldn’t think of it. My father was offered a crown three times, but he refused it.”

Sailor: “How come? Was he holding out for a porcelain filling?”

 

“My wife and I had an argument and she went home to her folks in Maine.”

“Bangor?”

“I didn’t even touch her.”

 

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